Purple Fly Community

This would be the last post for 2007, before I start, I would like to take this opportunity to thanks all readers of purplefly community, without you guys, there’s no purplefly community, also thanks to those who had taken their precious time to comment on purpelfly community. I really appreciate a lot. I wish all of you have a properous HAPPY NEW YEAR 2008.

Recently I met a friend, he use to visit to my blog. Thankfully, he says some of my post has changed his views towards his own perception on relationship, which I am happy about as the purpose of this blog is to share view on relationship between men and women. Back to his story, he told me that he do not know how to love again, I am quite surprised to heard that, he has been into 4 relationships, he felt that he can’t understand women, no matter how hard he tried to pleased, fix, give in and care. He still end up broken heart. After taken a moment to listen to his story as I am not going to details it in here as it was too long. His story is long but it’s simple, I tell him “Wrong Timing, Wrong Woman”. Unfortunately, all the woman he met obviously require a totally different tact, furthermore all the woman he met are in their early 20’s not looking to settle down, these woman has just commenced on their journey in life where these women gets a good mix of what life has to offer (not all, much depends on maturity state of the woman itself). Since he’s in a reasonable age to settle down and are actively looking to do so, I tell him all the woman she met in his relationship is clearly a mismatch from the outset. He and these woman have different expectation in different stages of their life. He met them in wrong phases of life. I wishfully hope that this could clearly state why all his relationship kept failing.

If you are one of the many who have tried so hard in a relationship and going no where. Rather than criticising yourself exhaustively, why don’t you just get a grip that not everything in life is within your control (your partner’s maturity is one of those things)? But something you can understand is men and women are completely different in thinking, communicate, react and respond. Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus.

If you are still struggling to understand male-female relationships, this book (Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus - John Gray) is an ultimate guide to helped men and women to understand each other better.

I had personally read the book, and I think I have some review to share with you here:

Title: Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus - John Gray
Author: John Gray
Pages: 286

This book worth the price as it only selling at RM36.90 in any bookstore throughout the nation, invaluable resource for improving relationship. If you are still trying hard to understand your partner, after reading, you may have a clear understanding as why sometimes you felt resentful or neglected, because there’s a huge difference between men and women. It taught you how to control your anger, avoiding arguments, how to overcome miscommunication, give more love to your partner, differing emotional needs, respectful communication, asking for/receiving support and much more to be listed.

Some important points in the book:
Men believe in the adage that “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.”
Women, on the other hand, might say that “if it ain’t broke, upgrade it.”
Consequently, when a woman offers advice or criticism to a man, the man could misunderstand that she considers him inadequate.

Men like to be considered competent, whereas women like to be cherished.
This difference could result in an misunderstanding.
When a woman asks questions such as “Do you have enough cash?” or “Did you remember your umbrella?” she is treating others as she would like to be treated, but not as a man might like to be treated.

When men share their problems, they want solutions.
When women share their problems, they want empathy.
This difference results in situations in which a woman shares her problems, the man offers solutions, and the woman becomes angry because the man “is just not listening!”
The difference could also result in a man feeling blamed for a problem whereas in fact he is not.

A man often wants solitude when he is thinking about a problem.
A woman should be careful not to bother a man with questions at such a time.

A woman could have mood swings for no discernible reason.
A man should respect those mood swings and not take them personally.

When a man wants help, he asks. When a woman wants help, she doesn’t.
A woman could make a mistake by offering help when a man doesn’t ask.
On the other hand, a man could make a mistake by not sensing when a woman wants help.

Women count all gifts and favors equally, regardless of size or amount. Many small gifts and favors are better than one large, expensive gift or favor.

If a woman asks a man for a favor and the man hesitates, she should allow a few seconds for the hesitation rather than hastily interpreting that hesitation as a refusal.

This book is great, however with 286 pages, the book has more to offer that I’m unable to lists them all here. Since there’s going to be a holiday soon. Grab this book and start to read and blossom the love you have rather than struggling in your relationship if you are.

If you have read this book before, share your view. Thanks.
Once again, Happy New Year !

First of all I felt sorry for the long post, however I tried to long story short but I do not want to miss any pieces that will be helpful to you in some ways and I hope this post can really give awareness of alcoholic for women. Men, we(women) know your trick, it’s too obvious. Come on, don’t take women for granted and ruins their life.

Somehow the idea of this post came out from this story which I stumble upon and saddened by the incident that alcoholic has ruins a girl happiness, yet it may be more worst than this story but I really hope that we(women) should always love ourself and don’t let our emotion control our mind and do something stupid. Here’s my share and please read, at the end of the story there are some facts about women and alcoholic.

Note: rephrase for better reading.
I am 21 this year and working as a cosmetics promoter. I have a boyfriend who is 27 and he is working as a salesman. He has been wonderful to me for many years. True, sometimes I lament slightly that I wasn’t able to be like some of my girlfriends who have rich boyfriend who can buy them anything they want, however, my love for him is much more than this kind of materialistic thoughts. We do quarrels at sometimes, but it is always him who give in and I really appreciate him. In fact, I learn how to cook so that in some way, I can show him how much I love him even though I’m scared of burning oil. After four years relationship, we plan to get married in Dec this year.

I have a manager and he is always very nice and helpful to me. In fact, he is always the one who tries to ‘protect’ me whenever I met up with difficulties at work. He’s like my friend. A few months back, he confessed his love to me and bought me a diamond necklace. He is 49 years old with two childrens. I treated him like a father and a good friend but never in my wildest dreams that I ever thought I would hear this from him. I was too stunned to reply and told him that I am getting married soon and it’s impossible between us. He saw my stunned reaction and quickly reassured me that he would not bring it up again.

However, a month before some incident happened and changed my life. I had a bad fight with my boyfriend in front of his family, while dressing up my wedding gown that I like most for photo-taking session and came out from the fitting room, my prospective mother-in-law stood up and disagreed with my choice and deemed it to be too revealing as it has a bare-back design. However, I insisted for that gown but my boyfriend actually asked me to change it for the sake of his mother. I got angry and said “it’s our wedding, not your mum” and I forced him to pay on the spot. He paid and I can feel that he is not happy, yet, he shouted me in front of his mum and shop assistants, he shouted me for not respecting his mum’s wishes. Never yet before he has been so hostile to me, I am really sad. All this while, his mum doesn’t really like me because she always lament that I psycho her son not to stay with his parents after marriage. This agreement of not staying with parent-in-laws had been decided between me and my boyfriend and not just me. In fact, her son tried to explain to her but she always feel that it is me. I had tolerated her for so long. 

I ran out with my gown and tears, many onlookers using strange expressions towards me, but I don’t care because I felt so disappointing and sad. I ran and sat alone in a deserted spot, thinking much and thought of cancelling the wedding and leave him. A moment later, he sms me looking for me. I was happy for his intention to worried about me but I couldn’t stand the incident happened in the shop. At this moment of time, I think of him(my manager), I called him and asked him out to talk to confide me. He knew something was wrong and he was very gentle and reassured it on the phone, within half an hour, he brought me to a nearby restaurant with quiet environment. He was very nice, despite the fact that I was still in my wedding gown and many onlookers gave us the ’strange’ look. He even told me not to care about how people looked. I really don’t know what came over me, while telling about my grievances with my boyfriend’s mum over the many months. I just drank and drank the red wine, the more I drank, the more I feel that all my bottled up feelings were released, my manager told me not to drink so much, but i don’t really care. Later, I asked him to bring me to nearby beach, that is the place where I always found peace when I am moody. I think I was heavily drunk. I really can’t think properly, inside the car, I saw the plane flying above me, how I wished that me and boyfriend can just fly off to a place far away from his mum. I don’t know what came over me. I just kept crying and in my drunken and emotional state. I actually mistook my manager as my boyfriend. The last thing I remembered was I hugged and I kissed him,  and ended up having sex.

When I woke up, I was shocked to see my manager beside me. I was hysterical, I HAD ACTUALLY DONE SOMETHING SO STUPID! I BETRAYED MY BOYFRIEND! I remembered my manager trying to calm me down, but I pushed him away, I was so angry with myself, why did I drink so much (a bottle??), why did I actually mistake him for my boyfriend? Was it because in my heart, my manager is someone who has provided me with so much sense of security? that it can actually develop into this kind of actions from me? I have so many questions but I can’t forgive myself.

For this past month, I don’t dare to meet my boyfriend. I feel that I have betrayed him. I felt so much guilt because of our religion, we were both very strict about the principle of staying chaste till our marriage but I ACTUALLY GIVEN IT TO MY MANAGER?! I’m very scared that I will get pregnant and caught any sexually transmitted disease because I think during that night, we had unprotected sex. If that happens, I think I won’t be able to live in this world. 

My boyfriend tried to contact me many times, but I avoided him and even lied to him I am in overseas. At the end, due to courages and firm decision to lessen my guilt and pain, I think he should deserved a better girl. Finally, I confronted everything to him, he cried and angry, shouted me on the phone and hung up. I did not angry him, because I think I deserved it. I know that I have done wrong and thats why I deserved it. Most probably, I will live with this guilt forever. I really regretted that alcohol has ruins my happiness life for this.
-END-

Taking advantage of women drunk has been played millions of times, yet it’s been going on. Sad but true, women get drunk faster than men, even both consume the same amount, regardless differences in body weight, a woman will attain a higher blood alcohol concentration than a man from the same amount of alcohol. This may be because women have lower levels of Alcohol Dehydrogenase (ADH), an enzyme involved in the metabolism of alcohol.

How the story ended so sadly because while he(the manager) is drinking right along with her, he was simply not getting as drunk, but she drank herself into a blackout stage and later he took advantage of the situation.

Women are more sensitive to alcohol and yet it posseseses risk of developing serious illnesses and an increased risk of heart disease, liver disease, ulcers, reproductive problems, osteoporosis, pancreatitis, memory loss, and other illnesses caused by substance and alcohol abuse. It’s more to count but what really do effect us women are menstrual disorders, which can lead to fertility problems if consume more and study showed that women who drink two to five alcoholic drinks each day, were 41 percent more likely to develop breast cancer than nondrinkers. To read more fact about women and alcoholic, here’s a site that I strictly recommend –> women and alcohol

Alcohol not just bring alot of troubles but also for men who drink and drive you may end your life and hurt the one you loved as well. Think about it, the christmas is near the corner, I believe some of you will be out for party, drink moderately and self control to end any tragic than is waiting for you.

Thanks and Merry Christmas !

Does that mean jerks finish last? We hear it all the time “He treated her like a queen, and she’s just heartless for dumping him”.  Why women dump a guy who is kind, considerate, generous, and willing to do just about anything for her? Does that mean woman want jerks who don’t open door for her, don’t buy her roses and do all the opposite she tells him? No, women wants an equal, caring partner and not an insecure nice guy.

Don’t get me wrong. I may not represent all the women out there and not all women walk over nice guys, there’s some and it’s not fair that all women get placed into that category. So, What’s wrong with Nice Guys? The biggest problem is that most Nice Guys are hideously insecure. Nice guy are just so anxious of being liked and love and they will do almost anything to gain acceptance and attention, rather than for the simply pleasure of giving. 

What Nice Guys thinks they did it right:.
1) They are inconfident and afraid she may dissapear or become attracted to someone else, so they cling to her always.
2) They are indecisive and always asking her to make the decisions. They afraid being blame if the decision was an unwise one.
3) They don’t have want, need and expect in the relationship. They just give in and rarely speak up when something bothers them because they fear that any kind of conflict might spell the end of the relationship.
4) They claimed that she is a difficult person and should be thankful to him by saying “no one will ever love her as much as I do.”  just because they think they will never meet anyone as special as she is.
5) They believe that he is the best person otherwise his insecurities will overrun him with jealousies and fear.
6) They thinks that by “giving in with all efforts and sacrifice”, it will make him a better, more lovable person. He thinks it will give him a sense of accomplishment, and that she will appreciate and love him more.

After going through the 6 points above, if you are woman, do you prefer such a Nice Guy? I always believe that “No woman will leave a man if he is such a nice guy”, there must be a reason behind and yet the reason is pretty clear sometimes. Although Nice Guys have his temper and do quarrel, but at the end they will do whatever in his power to give in and change, but the more he is willing to change and give in, it makes women felt guilty, demanding and selfish and in turn they(women) hated themselves.In such reaction, this is where the decision of ending the relationship come from. They need someone who can speak for themseleve and stand up to their deman. The ultimate truth here is that Nice Guys just don’t love themselves, women need someone who’ll love himself more. In order to truly love someone else, you must first love yourself. Let’s be very truthful now. Stop saying “I’m such a nice guy, why did she has to leave me “. Hope you really get what it mean.

Are you one (or with one) of the so called “commitment phobia”? If you are unsure, let see if this sounds familiar to you?

1) “He just won’t make a commitment.”
2) “She just want some space right now.”
3) “I’m not sure if I’m ready for a serious relationship.”
4) “I’m just under a lot of stress right now.”
5) “It’s not you, it’s me.”
6) “I can’t focus on a relationship right now because of my overloaded schedule.”
7) When she thought of being with you, she felt like she couldn’t breathe.

or this? if your answer is YES

8 ) Are you concerned about the idea of forever?
9 ) Do you fear you could make a mistake in who you choose?
10) Do you fear a loss of your freedom?
11) Are you afraid of a bad marriage- like your parents for instance
12) Do you fear you would be a bad mate?

or this? Unsure about the relationship

13) It seems like we are only killing time
14) He doesn’t understand what I want.
15) We seem to be off and on in our level of contact/affection.
16) I am still not over a past relationship.
17) I just don’t seem to know what I want.

OMG, if yes, I am afraid you are one (or with one) of the many men and women who have commitment phobia. You may wonder what’s commitment phobia or fear of commitment, the phrase ‘fear of commitment’ appears to explain more than it actually does, or you can go details in wikipedia here.

Fear of commitment in much popular literature refers to avoidance of long-term partnership and/or marriage but the problem is often much more pervasive, affecting school, work, and home life as well.

Okay, let’s make it simple, commitment means giving up freedom.

There are many reasons and could be different between us; but often the outcomes are the same. Many commitment phobian just afraid of the idea someone having to count on them. They often feel alone in the world and left to fight their own battles. They don’t give in to others easily because they are afraid of getting hurt. This is because they fear of not being able to fulfill the responsibilities in each relationship, either afraid of not doing it correctly or they just don’t want to put forth the effort involved. They are not ready to settle down because they are  inconfident due to their family background (broken family), do not have the traveling they’d always hoped to do, or healed completely from a past relationship. Worst still, they are struggling with internal conflicts about who they are and what they want.

They have messy lifestyles. Some of these individuals get into sexual promiscuity whom are willing to have relationship without string attach, tend to look for FUBU (relationship just for sex) or look for one night stand to fulfill their needs. It’s more than what I can list here but apparently it may not as serious as listed.

Lastly, are you one of the commitment phobe?

Since I have been blogging more into relationship topics, relationship does come and goes, when you open out your heart, it can be break. So, the idea came out, why not I wrote a post about broken heart, which would definitely help out some heart broken friends out there to feel better and it’s not end of the world but a new start of life. Hope you guys enjoy reading it, and eventually you can share this to your broken heart friends too. Thanks.
 
So, you have been into a wonderful relationship where you think it’s going to work out, unfortunately it’s not what it meant to be. You’ve just had a break-up and feeling the worst in your life, you’re not alone. Relationship comes and goes, it is a part of life and everyone experiences a break up at sometime. Have you heard of anyone died of a broken heart (except suicidal case) ? NO, there’s no way you can die of a broken heart, here’s what you need to deal with - grief, frustration, anger, confusion, low self-esteem, and maybe jealousy. For a broken heart person, you might have a lot of question in mind which you couldn’t get an answer and that’s making you painful. Please take a moment to understand

• What’s not yours, it’s not. What’s yours, It will eventually come.
• No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won’t make you cry.
• Just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to, doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have.
• Don’t waste your time on a man/woman, who isn’t willing to waste their time on you.
• “a woman who would steal your love, when your love is all you really have, ISN’T much of a woman”.

If you have just got a broken heart, do you feel better reading the bullet phrases above? Hopefully yes, most of us may seek advice or talk to someone about your feeling. And most of the time, people will tell you time will mend your broken heart, you’ll get over it or you will meet someone better, but when it’s happening to you, it can feel like no one else in the world has ever felt the same way. You may have tried your best to forget and remind yourself not to think too much and go on with your daily routine. But it’s not working and keeps coming back with bigger wave and drowning you into the sea. You may sometimes ask yourself, “How long am I going to feel this way?”. Please do not think that your life is over, broken heart may hurt but not your life and a lot of people go through this everyday. You are not alone.

There’s no easy ways, no perfect ways or absolute ways to mend a broken heart. But with these few tips, it can help you to think positively and lessen the pain.

No Contact (NC). If you do not want to prolong your heart break, you should implement NC rule. No contact is not for everyone. For some people limited contact is the path. If being in contact is too painful, then don’t do it. Don’t be a loser, checking all the times for any ‘missed call’ from him/her or have the temptation to call him/her. NC also includes sms text, msn or email if possible. You may get pissed off if there’s no response from him/her, just don’t do it and stop getting yourself repeatively hurting more and more.

Reconnect and share your feelings. Don’t lock yourself up in the room, you still have friends, sometimes when you are into relationship and may have lesser contact with friends. This would be the time for you to start contacting them and start talking to as many of them. Just go out and have fun. Hanging out with friends will take your minds off your ex. What’s more you may able to get some good advice from friends who have experiences the same feeling and they really know how you felt.

Keep youself busy. Just because you are too free, you start thinking nonsense. Sorry if that’s a bit harsh, but it’s all part of the healing process. You may want to focus on other things and this doesn’t mean you can forget what has happened.  Start digging old or finding new hobbies for yourself or do whatever that can keep your mind off thinking about your ex. Keep your mind busy and occupied. Distract, distract and distract your mind which can help to resist the urge to call your ex (NC Rule). If you don’t have a hobby, why not start a blog and start writing, or go to the nearest book store and get a book to read to build up your knowledge.

Groom yourself and love yourself. Just because your heart gets broken, you wouldn’t want to break the rest of your body too. Stress is inevitable when heart is broken, minimize your stress by eating healthier, more sleep and more exercise. Boost your self-esteem, you are just as attractive as before, try going to gym, can’t afford?  Then go jog around the house or nearby garden (provided the neighbourhood is safe enough), get your nerve of from frustration and start burning calories. Go shopping and reward/treat yourself better. You might one day bump into your ex again and you will want to look your best.

Although is easy to say than implementing, it takes time, but amazingly heartbroken always heals after a while. It may depend on the individuals to overcome things that left behind. If you would like to know how long will it take for you to completely heal, you can get roughly estimate at The Heart-Repair-Calculator.

Having been talking much about the dumpees, you might want to know how a dumper is feeling. Not important anymore and doesn’t have any significance anymore. The most important thing now is “get someone who will never make you cry again”.

Or any other good methods you probably wanna to share here?